Long-Distance Relationship Q & A | LDR

Hello All!

The following Q & A was posed after 4 years, soon to be 5, of long-distance dating. These are direct quotes consisting of 12 questions. Spanning subjects like advice, emotional support, LDR tips and first-hand experiences all from the perspective of both partners in the relationship! A first of its kind here. I hope you find it useful in answering common questions, and for any of you in an LDR, can guide some of your steps.

Question 1: What does it feel like to realize you like/are starting to fall for someone you've never met?

His Answer: Hmm. Interesting question. It's different. I think falling in love with you, if I had to define it, it would be that it was pure?

I couldn't sniff you or touch you. Without being able to stare each other in the eyes, without being close, I didn't know I could have these kinds of feelings. It could happen from just talking or doing something. My feelings were like that.

You showed me that it was possible. I would be able to feel things when we messaged and when you talked to me. We were far away, but sometimes, I would feel like you were there right beside me...

Hers: I would say complicated, maybe messy?

For me, it was even more of a surprise because I wasn't just liking you. I liked you entirely too fast when I wouldn't even consider someone for a relationship without years of knowing them first. At first, even though I was having a lot of emotions and felt an attachment, I didn't understand that I was wanting something more from you, nor that I was falling in love. The fact that we hadn't met wasn't really even a factor for me until after I could recognize my feelings. By then, it was still messy. A raw and beautiful mess. Haha.

Question 2: In the beginning of your relationship, what did you hate the most besides the distance?

Walid's Answer: Besides the distance, maybe the fact that you were running away? And also, my fear of not being enough for you. And saying goodbye when we hung up.

I didn't like you running away. I was trying to reach you. I was trying to talk to you and stuff like that. And I was thinking "Awe man. She must think I'm whack." That made me very sad. Then things got better because we started talking more. We started falling in love with each other more and more and that was it.

I felt like you had more in common with Justin Beiber than with me. Of course, I would think I'm not enough, "she has these Hollywood guys." And you are definitely very beautiful, so there must be a ton of guys going after you. It was actually something I normally felt about myself. It is inevitable. You're too cute. I had to reconcile with myself and be able to accept it. That part {dealing with not feeling enough}, I have to keep dealing with it.

In order to fight those feelings of not being enough, I have to be able to work and do good stuff. I could be like "I'm a terrible person, I'm not feeling good enough" but I can think instead "I did this well and I can work harder" or "at least I have this cute girlfriend" to change my mindset.

Hanging up was the worst. Because I was always looking forward to talking to you, and it had to be over. It made me feel very sad.

Alexia's Answer: I can't imagine, still, anyone looking at me and thinking like that. Hollywood guys? Wow. For me, I really hated the not knowing, feeling far away any time something went wrong, and even getting in my own way. Saying goodbye somehow was also like...crazy difficult for some reason.

I'm particular in certain ways, but I'm also anxious and have mental health issues. I hated when I couldn't confirm something, or it took extra digging and back and forth to have conversations when we were in conflict. Those things only worsened when I was in the bad place in my head.

I didn't like myself already, and I would drop deeper into those depths when there was a problem. Sometimes, your words or reluctance fueled it. Especially if it felt like the walls were coming up on your side. Sometimes, it was an assumption on my part, but most certainly, there was always a worsening because I would also wound myself.

It took so long to figure it out. What I was doing, how my reactions or words changed a situation. Or yours. It was a battle just trying to recognize, hear, and be heard.

We have come a long way, but I hated that cycle.

Saying goodbye doesn't have a good explanation. It just was always hard. It always felt lonely and sad and I didn't want to be doing it. Even on a bad day. So, yeah.

Question 3: How have you dealt with jealousy or trust issues during long-distance?

Walid's Answer: Okay. It's not easy. It isn't because I don't trust you but because I miss you very much. The thought of someone else getting your laugh, your eyes, your time, your attention...it hurts. Not because I think you are going to leave me, but because I wasn't there to witness it. And being away makes it a lot worse.

The first thing that happens, and sometimes I don't even notice, is feeling the jealousy. Then I have to admit how I'm feeling. It's not really conscious.

I try to remind myself of who you are, that it is normal because of our distance, and how much I love you.

Alexia's Answer: At first, I had to realize that those feelings were brooding. I had to recognize what they were related to, why I felt that way, and if it was something triggered by one of us, both of us, past trauma, or just the fact that we weren't near each other. Then, I would write them down and sit with them. Eventually, the best way became what happened after I could place those feelings--I talked to you about them and we decided what to do together.

We had to discuss moments of feeling jealous towards even each other's friends or family because they could spend time with us, but our lover couldn't. They were the smallest incidents, but I was shocked I could feel bitter even though I was happy you were having fun or doing something different.

We may have had to compromise. Sometimes, it took days, weeks, or months to truly work out the knots of these kinds of feelings. Usually, because we hadn't gotten to the root of the issue, someone was offended or didn't understand why things needed to change. I think I'd say that we had to build some resistance to those feelings by refocusing on us understanding each other's needs, spending more time together, talking and taking agreed actions so we weren't building resentment.

Nowadays, I don't normally feel jealous or distrustful, but it's easier to deal with if it happens. It's easier to remember that most of the time, it comes from loving you and everything else can be dealt with.

Question 4: The average distance in an LDR is around 125 miles (201.68 km) between couples. How do you feel about that?

Walid's Answer: Oh man. I feel that I wished it could be our case. It would have been a lot easier to be together. It hurts a little bit. I'm also jealous a little bit...

There's people with that kind of distance. They can plan this day and decide that they are going to visit each other. I wish we could have that. You probably have to look at the average time a couple stays together when they are in a long distance relationship, too.

At the same time, it is more interesting to think that they have an average distance and an average love. Our distance is greater, and so is our love.

Alexia's Answer: Haha. Goodness. Our love is great.

I feel same way, sort of. At least, I also feel that I wish we could have had that. They are lucky, but we are stronger for the distance.

Our distance is shorter now, Thank God. Nearly 8,000 miles to 4, 000 and something. It is a lot. But we are fortified. We are stronger for it. It's amazing the kind of things you can build from this far away.

What is the average time LDR couples stay together anyway..? That's a good question.

■ The answer according to the internet: 4.5 months before a major change like closing the distance, or the relationship ending altogether (usually the second).

_ Roughly 60% of LDRs make it long-term, with the longest lasting ones spanning 2 to 3 years. Although college level LDRs generally end in less than a year.

Question 5: How often should you see your partner in an LDR?

Walid's Answer: As much as possible, of course.

I wanted to get with you as much as possible, cutie. I miss every aspect of you. Sometimes, I tear up because I miss you, so I want to see you all the time.

Alexia's Answer: Ideally, we all want to say every day, every week, or every month at minimum.

We LDR-ers want to see our partners just as much as everyone else. Day in and day out. But, the reality is that it is part of the struggle of an LDR, and you can't normally do that. So, I'd say as much as you are reasonably able. Not to the point of ruining your lives because you will still be separated later (if you are/will be), but enough to feed the beast and make it possible to wait. When you can't see each other regularly, take longer trips so the distance becomes something more bearable.

It's hard. I miss you all the time, too. Sometimes, I'll break down on a video call or look through all your photos, our videos... everything. All to get through the day. We both get emotional about it a lot now, I think. That's okay.

So, yeah. As much as you're reasonably able to, go for it.

Question 6: What are some of the most memorable ways you've managed to maintain emotional intimacy in the LDR?

Walid's Answer: I can think of our late night calls or extremely early ones. When we are sharing our thoughts and are vulnerable. Or when we say to each other "I want to see you" or "I want to hear your voice." Or when we take photos or videos for each other and stuff like that.

Alexia's Answer: I think there's an entire list like that, but the most memorable for me are when we plan lunch and dinner dates and when we have long, relaxed phone calls. Without quality time, I'm no good.

I like being able to feel like we are together when we are away, I think most people agree with that no matter what kind of relationship you're in. For me, those times are really special because we get to enjoy time with less interruptions, and we reveal ourselves to each other even though we can't be in the same room.

Question 7: What's the scariest thing about being long-distance?

Walid's Answer: I think it's not being able to help you or defend you in case something happens. If you get hurt and I'm far away.

Alexia's Answer: The scariest thing about an LDR is just being worried about you. Definitely.

I worry about your health, about your happiness, your stress. Of course, it becomes, then, even easier to worry that you could get hurt. I even imagined what would happen if the world fell apart and we couldn't communicate through the internet and wanted to find each other. I'm actively making a list just to be prepared, which is almost not funny being in America right now given the way they are handling the country.

It probably was somewhat worse when we were twice as far away but that's sometimes easy to forget because it's any distance at all that amplifies the worry. Now, I know I don't have to travel over 24 hours to get to you. 8 or 9 hours is so much better and yet still not enough.

It would crush me if you weren't okay. Not having any real security regarding your safety is terrifying on any given day.

Question 8: What are the pros to an LDR? What do you gain from a long-distance relationship?

Walid's Answer: Pros? The relationship itself.

I don't see anything really good about being this distant to each other. I'd rather be close to you. The thing I gained was a relationship with you. Not the long part.

Alexia's Answer: I think I gained a relationship, but I also gained tools to help me later.

I gained you, a wonderfully caring boyfriend, and much more because of who you are than I can explain in a few sentences. But, I also gained skills regarding dealing with conflict, learned how to care for you even when we are away from one another, a different kind of patience than the rest of my life has required of me in certain subjects, a little more faith on the way, and the confidence to be yours while away from you. It probably sounds strange but I also think that a pro to a long-distance relationship like ours, especially given who I am as a person and my past trauma, is just getting time to "ready myself" for a future with you is it's own benefit that most people don't realize. I think the rest of the hard things can overshadow that if you're not thinking mindfully.

Question 9: How did your friends and family react to the news of your LDR?

Walid's Answer: Hmm. My friends reacted very well. They all wanted to meet you right away. My family were inbetween indifference and shock. Some were surprised because they didn't expect it.

I mean, my Aunt Palmira said she liked you and kept calling you Princess, so that's good. Yeah.

Overall, they reacted well.

Alexia's Answer: My relationship with my family has never been great, so I expected mixed reactions. Generally speaking, friends were supportive although a couple were taken aback. A lot of people were simply surprised I was mentioning you and teased me often about my constant smile when I said anything about you. Or me looking shy.

Many of my family members had a lot of questions, uncertainties, rude remarks or some mixture of curiosity and disbelief. Some tried to convince me that I was making a mistake, that it wouldn't last, something would happen to me, or that I shouldn't be waiting for someone across two oceans. There were a few that accepted it but probably didn't take my statement seriously. Either because I usually didn't talk about my love life, or because they assumed they knew what my future would look like before I ruined that for them. And a couple, like my aunt, that were very supportive and light hearted about it. Ready to jump in and ask about our plans for the future and photos.

I can't say it wasn't sometimes difficult to deal with the reactions, but none of them, good or bad, could sway my feelings. It's always better to be supported but we deal with the hand we're dealt in life.

Nowadays, it's a lot more neutral when I bring it up or remind someone. It definitely does help, though, that we have been able to spend time together in person.

Question 10: Do you think being in a long-distance relationship has changed your views on relationships as a whole?

Walid's Answer: Yeah. I used to believe long-distance relationships didn't work, but you proved to me that they do work.

At first I thought it was impossible to feel so much for someone who was so distant. We couldn't touch or see each other. But, with you, you proved that it's possible--all it takes is a little effort.

Alexia's Answer: I don't think that our LDR changed my views on relationships. I never doubted the possibility of it working. I was well aware that two people, no matter their backgrounds, who love each other whole-heartedly, among other things, can make for a lasting relationship. What it changed was my thinking regarding myself in relationships. I even learned that I could, in fact, and should recieve a love similar to what I give or have given.

You taught me that it was possible for someone to choose me even from a distance and continue to do that every day. That my feelings, my wishes and my love could be returned without meaning I had to give up some important chunk of myself or my life to do it. I changed my views on what I had to accept to love and be loved by someone else, too. So, thank you for that.

Question 11: Do you have any regrets about being long-distance?

Walid's Answer: Not being born in the U.S.

Alexia's Answer: Hysterical laughter until she could answer.

Being in an LDR with you? Never.

Maybe with someone else, the answer would differ. Luckily, I don't ever need to know it. There's no more LDRs in my future. This is it.

Question 12: What advice do you want to give to other people currently in an LDR who want to make it work?

Walid's Answer: You've got to do the work. Straight and simple.

You also have to find the right person. It doesn't matter how hard you work if you're not with the right person. So, choose wisely and work hardy!

Alexia's Answer: People always ask about loyalty during long-distance relationships. They ask questions like... "Do you cheat?" "Do LDRs really work?" And my advice follows the answers to these questions.

No, I don't cheat.

We have never had an open relationship. Our values don't align with that and we want each other to ourselves. If I want you and I have you, am I going to share you? No. Of course, not. Are there people out there that are willing to open their relationships, are untruthful, or cheating because it is difficult or they want to make it work and think that those things will? Sure. I don't know any in my circle, but it happens. Some people open their relationships, even, just because they don't mind doing it. By whatever means, they have that room to share with a third party. Everyone is different.

Yes, long-distance relationships do work... with the right person. It isn't all that different... dating from afar and sticking with someone who lives down the street from you. You need aligned values, reciprocal feelings, and actions.

So, my advice is just like it would be for any other relationship. Find your boundaries, your wishes, your values and match them to what you're willing and able to give. Not just receive. If you're both in it for the right reasons, and it is the right person, it will start to come together sooner than you think.

I believe one major reason an LDR is really perceived to be weaker than a "normal" relationship, besides biases, is really because the wrong people are trying to force it to work, and everyone else remembers it.

It could be the right person at the wrong time, or the wrong partner entirely. Just as is the case for people dating in the same area. Others are quick to excuse the ending, wherein they both contributed to what their relationship became, and blame distance as if it decides the trajectory of one's heart.

It takes two for any relationship to be successful, and it's not the number of miles that makes it crumble.. but the wrong person? That'll do it.