Hello Lovelies.

I was recently reflecting on milestones in my relationship, and it got me thinking... there have been some things that I've never really heard anyone discuss out loud about being in this kind of relationship, even things I wish I'd known sooner about long-distance relationships. Not so that I would change all my actions or avoid the happening altogether, but just so I could know what else to expect. Just so I knew that it wasn't so unusual, and that these things would later be just some of the very markers--or green flags, if you will--that would make our long-distance relationship work.

So, today, I'm going to cover 7 things no one tells you about an LDR.

1. Starting is the Easy Part.

It sounds almost like common sense, and maybe for some it is, but it's true that starting a long-distance relationship-its beginning filled with moments of interest, conversation starters, even awkward starts to phone and video calls-is the easiest part. And although that is the truth, it is also one of the most important.

There's no relationship that forms from nothing. An occasional message every few months and no follow-up will result in no better a beginning than that coworker from two departments over that agrees with your statements. Sure, you'll remember it for a while, but its effects are not the lasting kind. You may nod in their direction in the hall, or maybe you would notice if you one day didn't see them for a month and wonder to yourself if they finally quit the job, but your connection isn't strong enough to miss them.

Still, this doesn't mean that you should expect to talk every single day all day. While everyone hopes for a bit of consistency in communication, and it is an imperative aspect of building the relationship, you're also human and life happens.

Even in my own LDR, we had a bit of time where we didn't speak. Be it because life was taking over, moments of insecurities or nervousness, work, or simply crappy days of low quality internet connection. Remember that there is another human being on the other side. Mixed feelings may creep in, but you'll realize that those days were the easiest ones.

Just remember that easy doesn't mean meaningless. Those first hours, days and weeks are worth no less than all those that come after.

2. You Have to Talk About Previous Relationships (especially any of the physically intimate kind).

It won't be only a single incident, and many times you'll find some hesitation on both ends, but throughout the course of your long-distance relationship, conversations about prior partners (even the physically intimate/sexual kind) will be a necessity. Especially if one or both of you have been hurt in the past, even if that past did not include a single LDR.

There are many men and women who skip over details of their past. Possibly two-fold for an LDR. Likely, because it is uncomfortable, or they don't see the benefit in bringing that up in the relationship they are trying to build now rather than the one they left behind. It is even possible that these conversations will spike moments of envy, self depreciation, and sadness in one or both partners. But, the strength it builds within your relationship when you are with the right person is something that can not be overstated nor undervalued.

I had many moments of wishing I had been the "first" person my love had many experiences with. Even though those things, be it because it was the wrong partner or previous views on relationships, spirituality, or even himself, may not have been as meaningful for him before we had met as they would be for me. This prompted many more discussions, questions, and moments of discovery for us both. Even the unveiling of regrets as well as hopes. Mainly concerning the ways we would treat each other or expectations and needs to be met inour relationship moving forward.

At some point, we also realized that we were being honest, but our questions weren't always specific enough for the things we wanted to know. This is even more important for the questions that might sting to know the answer to.

Sometimes, we needed to take time to ourselves and write down our questions at a time that we weren't feeling so riled up or stuck in a cycle of anxious thoughts assuming the answers we would recieve (a happening that can only hurt more than help in the first place). Then, later that day or the next, we would revisit those topics with what we wrote down as a guide.

This was also the time to really get an understanding of what risks were taken while being with someone else before our relationship, what I or he were willing and not willing to do again. The same applies to other LDRs. Be willing to find out the same things. Grasp your partner's understanding of intimacy and even, dare I say, STIs and STDs. Afterward, share yours, too. You'd be surprised what one of you might be informed about that the other isn't or even was never taught to them while young. Find the uncomfortable and weak areas and strengthen them together.

If you make it to this point and these conversations fall apart again and again, without improvement, you may not be as compatible as you hoped. Don't be afraid to bring up any DDDs--or in other words... doubts, disagreements, or decisions. Even if that includes rethinking the relationship.

3. Get Ready for the "K" and/or "T" Statements.

This one was a surprise and, while it may depend more heavily on your and your partner's origins and family background(s), it's better to be prepared for it anyway.

Often, especially given that we started a relationship from halfway across the globe, although it was never our intention to do so--a reminder, really, of the saying "men plan while God laughs"-I had to listen to many lectures about needing to be "careful" of "men"/people from ____ (Blank)." A lecture full of conjuncture, assumptions, and too many harsh opinions were always right behind. It would almost be enough to dampen any remaining positive views of humanity.

In a world where catfishing and scams are more likely to ruin a life than in the past, it is hard to view the statements of people you know as anything but harmless, yet the truth remains that it can shift into whispers and doubts in the form of familiar voices in the back of your mind. Among them, at least in my case, was also the constant yet unbelievable statements that I would be "trafficked" (T) or "kidnapped" (K) if I didn't just fall prey to a money scam or something similar because of it.

The two of us joke about it now, but it used to really upset me after a while. It felt even worse when that person was willing to tell me that my partner couldn't be trusted without knowing him and double the upset if the words came from someone, even family, who hurt me or never supported me even though we had been on the same side of this planet all my life.

As if that was not bad enough, it also said something, from my point of view, about my ability to judge people I let close to me.

Maybe there are people who truly need the warning, and maybe there are people who actually say the words without meaning any offense. Without any biases at all... that are truly looking out for someone they know. I didn't find that to be the case in my situation, but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist. My life had prepared me to sift through my thoughts and feelings, follow my instincts, and decide a course of action, even if most of it had to be done alone. I knew I could make the right call then too, even after any previous failures, about my life partner at this point in my life.

Regardless of the reason, it's much better to be prepared to face K and T statements with firm words and affirmations. Speak up about them when it is brought up to you, to your partner too. Don't let those voices build up and shake apart your LDR. Your judgement will not always be perfect, but you should be reasonable about precautions and your own ability to not be taken advantage of. You have to weigh possibilities to some degree, even the negative ones when you don't believe they will come to pass, and that's okay. It's more than okay, it's ingrained in us so that we survive. Those don't go away just because of budding feelings or a long-distance relationship rather than what's considered the norm. It says more about the state of the world than an LDR when the first thing on someone else's mind is that you'll befall a terrible fate because you were willing to love from a distance.

If your partner means to be with you, treat you well, and wants a future with you without any pretenses, those conversations will reveal that the only thing they are planning to "kidnap" is your heart.

4. Identity Precautions.

This one is fairly straightforward and rides the wave of my previous mention concerning precautions from this list; verify your identities in an LDR.

When my partner and I were sure we would keep talking and felt ready to figure out where we were headed in each other's lives--after many days and nights of questions, life stories, jokes and more-my boyfriend's simple statement and our general anxious disbelief in what we were building and feeling with each other prompted something else.

He had told me that he couldn't believe I existed. It was in reference to us fitting so well into the cold and empty spaces in each other's lives and checking off boxes for what we wanted in life than a true doubt of existence, but I felt the weight of it. Which, ironically enough, was a feeling I shared too back then. It didn't matter that we could see activity on social media or that we had a couple mutual friends. Nor that there was some photos posted on the internet with the same faces. We lived (and still do) in a world of uncertainty with advanced technology at our fingertips.

It was knowing that, and trying to work our way to calls, that made us swap photos of our government issued IDs, paperwork, videos of other things and people in our lives and others of that nature. Nothing that would be too sensitive to show in public, but everything that would give us a little more comfort and certainty that the person on the other side was exactly who we expected. Then, voice clips began and we worked our way to video calls as well.

It was not a monumental happening. In fact, I would say it was a very small act for the kind of heaviness it carried, but it benefitted us, and I'm still glad we agreed to do that for each other. In a way, it was us helping each other safely dismantle one more wall blocking the road to the rest of our relationship.

5. Timetables Shift (sometimes a lot).

In every LDR, by the time you are feeling seriously committed and deepening your connection to your partner, you will undoubtedly want to meet them. The two of you will toss around ideas and get excited at the prospect of what's to come. Maybe some of you will plan to meet up just weeks later at a nice resturant.

I caution you, however, for sometimes your timetable will shift beneath your feet.

For us, we were both excited and nervously discussing how we would spend our time and where, who would go to who and for how long. It's nice to be in that headspace together, knowing you want to see each other and how much your relationship has started to mean, but a thought is a simple process even in the moments it feels complicated. What may have once been expected to take a few months can turn into a six, a year, or multiple in the blink of an eye.

There's no real way to know which parts of your life will change your relationship or attempt to get in the way of it. Being a long-distance couple means that you have to be both realistic about your goals and capabilities and patient enough to be flexible even on days you feel as rigid as a steel beam.

Not being able to see each other when you initially planned to is no easier at first than after multiple disappointments, but you learn to help each other stay optimistic. And, if you are both willing and able to put in the effort while staying committed and fortifying the support that upholds your relationship, then eventually the wait does end.

For the two of us, familial responsibilities, drama with friends and associates, stress, work obligations, finances, and even covid were obstacles that we had to map out, plan around, and overcome to see each other. It is normal that other things come up, and it doesn't mean that the world is conspiring against you or that your relationship is doomed to fail. If you pay close attention, you may even see that the time it took you to travel the distance to each other's arms was exactly the time you needed to ensure the two of you were ready for what comes next.

6. Expectations vs Reality.

After what may be years of getting to know one another, overcoming outward and inward battles, finding a way to argue and make up, and even cope with your distance, the day has arrived.

For the first time, your LDR, while maybe not forever, will now be just a relationship like everyone else's because you'll finally--finally--be able to breathe the same air. Everything is exciting and perfect... until it's not.

The truth is, you had all this time to shape images in your head about what it will be like when you're face-to-face. Whether it be in big ways or small ways, that image, those expectations, will fail you eventually. Something about your lover--or you--will be different.

Maybe it's more than the long, hot travel to be together. Maybe you are going stiff when they are near you. Or your voice keeps cracking when you speak because you're so nervous. Maybe your first hug felt like the kind reserved for your least favorite person in the family, barely with a hint of all the love and care you'd thought was built up over time. You may even begin to second guess your trip.

Expectations and reality differ, especially for a long-distance relationship, but that doesn't mean it's bad. Usually, despite what may go through your head when you question why you can't treat them the same as always now that they are right in front of you, it's completely normal. I'd even tell you to expect it.

It takes time for the jitters to work off and fingertips and toes dipped into the water before the whole limb, as with anything new. It is entirely possible that the relationship may not be new at all, but the experience itself is. And most times, in such cases, you have to let yourself have that.

You don't lose anything from giving yourselves time to breathe and familiarize yourselves with the physical presence of each other. And even when that is done, you'll still have quite a list of little things to remember or learn for the first time about your partner anyway. The important thing is to enjoy those times of learning them again despite the fact that the real world and real interactions rarely match what you could forge in your mind from a world away.

It took an entire day before we could hold hands, and the closest we had gotten was leading each other within arms length before then. And even longer for our first kiss, which was nothing more than a momentary peck on the lips and smiling to ourselves while attempting to fill to room with some sense of normalcy around each other. A sweet little peck for years of love, but a peck nonetheless. We also slept in the same bed for the night without laying under each other's arms but a week later, couldn't imagine so much unfilled space between us again.

7. Functioning After Temporarily Closing the Distance.

If you've found that being together fulfilled you rather than taking you one step closer to crime, and your relationship offers you more than mere physical gratification, then you may have found the one. If so, then one of the hardest things you'll face besides self-doubt and trying to better yourselves for each other will be saying goodbye.

There's this time of limbo after you leave each other, potentially for a much shorter time than before if you're lucky. After your heartfelt goodbyes, when you travel back to your respective corners of the world and distance settles back inbetween you. Almost as if it you never left it behind. But you did. There's a lingering there and photos to re-live your memories. That's when it starts to kick in... that strange and almost cruel knowing that you have to find a way to function after temporarily closing your distance. That you have to make it until the next time.

It's more challenging than it was before, even though that doesn't seem possible. Why? Because you already missed them and loved them long before you could hold them, kiss them, or stir to the sound of their voice and waiting to do that was already torture. Yet, it is an often unspoken truth. This wait will be the most gut-wrenching. You'll remember every day what it meant to be together and wake up wondering how you ever lived apart. You will question how you justified holding on for so long during the days all your senses didn't know them so well.

There's no easy way to say that your solution is that there aren't any.

You make time for each other, stay honest about your feelings and you pass the days, but most of them will drag forward as if they purposely wanted to trail far behind you. Possibly just to ensure your missery.

If you're anything like me, you'll have several conversations about how to close the distance for good, and figure out the most important steps to doing so. You and your partner will have all the things that stood in your way before as stepping stones. Eventually, or so I hope for any and all of us in an LDR whose love is true, you will take your final steps over the remaining hurdles together. The other struggles and bumps in the road will become their own memories and one day, absolutely gratifying by its end.

I hope you find this long-distance relationship advice/list helpful. Good luck to all of you. Look out for an LDR Q and A soon!